On Journals, Goals, and Pencils

The problem with blogging one's journey through life is the vulnerability of it. I am not a noble man striving to forge my way against the elements. I'm more like a bumbling nincompoop stumbling about in the dark trying to find his way out of the bathroom. Not really different than most folks, but still very not like a hero. So when I declare that I have arrived at an important epiphany concerning my art, and then you learn that this epiphany is that I prefer using an HB pencil lead instead of fiddling around with a range of different pencil strengths, you're liable to scratch your head and wonder what all the fuss is about.

I still haven't written my giant epiphany post yet over on The Splintered Mind, but in brief I can say that I've been doing a sort of Art Rehab to reforge some bridges that have been burned long ago. I began at the beginning - pencil rendering. As I've worked through the exercises over the summer I have discovered a few things.

1) I no longer have the patience to spend hours rendering one piece. I'm not sure yet if that is a stylistic change or if I'm simply out of practice. I suspect the former. I draw all the time. I just don't scan and share most of it.
2) I find managing pencil lead strengths to be tedious and distracting. I don't want to worry about whether I should use F or H, I just want to draw the blasted thing.
3) I find that my style is more present in HB drawings than in finely rendered drawings. The rendered pieces are nice, but lack spontaneity and life for me.

The reason this is so exciting is that the pencil stroke is the fundamental stepping stone of all art for me. My main goal with art for the past year has been to determine my own unique style. Knowing which stepping stones I am to climb brings me closer to the goal than I have ever been in years.

Becoming disabled suddenly at 25 put my life in a tailspin. I've spent the past 14 years coming to terms with it. A lot changed inside me, but I feel embarrassed that I can't account for why I never decided what pencil I liked to use. I was so busy doing art beyond pencils that I never bothered, I suppose. Watercolors, shading film, colored pencils, digital manipulation and painting, logo design, web design, etc. A lot of it earned money for me, but there was something missing. I could throw myself at the projects but they never felt complete. I realize that closure is an issue for people with AD/HD but this was more than that. It was something fundamental missing inside me. Part of it was that I was spending my strength on AD/HD distractions in the guise of goals, but I also knew I was missing a piece of the puzzle.

Maybe because I chased after so many new styles and mediums for years I never took the time to draw a line in the sand and say, "This is my style." I always compared myself unfavorably to almost everybody and loathed my own work then continued to work harder to be like them, no matter how divergent their styles were. What I find interesting about all this is that when I was re-evaluating my depression and how to overcome it eight to ten years ago I never thought to include my long borne attitudes of artistic failure and worthlessness into the new way of thinking.

But that's all going to change now. With this ubiquitous HB pencil I will change my world. I will take back my joy in drawing and like myself & my art for a change. As I told my daughters when undergoing this project, my art had a sense of professionalism and skill, but it lacked a sense of mastery. Deep inside my work there was a foundational lack of confidence. Perhaps I am my own hero, saving myself from years of preconceived notions and insecurities. Instead of propping myself up with new skills, I will rebuild some old ones.

As far as journey's through life go, this one may be right up there with trips to the dentist's office for you. For me, however, my life suddenly has untold vistas and faraway places I haven't travelled before. It is as if I have been colorblind all my life and have just noticed how beautifully different green is from blue. It's going to be a great journey. Good thing I'm bringing along my sketchbook.

Keeping Myself on the Back Burner

I'm sitting on a bench waiting for my daughter to come out of the office of a local Country music radio station. This will be her first time promoting herself professionally. She's only 14. I've got my other three girls waiting out in the van, doors open, within ear shot so I can keep tabs on them. Otherwise, I'd be in the office with my oldest girl.

My daughter's mission: To thank the local marketing director for letting her participate in the Colgate Country Music Showdown and to find the name of the gentleman who MC'd the showdown so she can pitch her single to him. When she performed at a County Fair she was the last act right before the State finals. Apparently, several people from the radio station booth poked their heads in to hear her sing and liked what they heard.

These days the radio is filled with playlists picked in dark smokey rooms somewhere far from our livingroom. There is little chance that my daughter's low budget produced single is going to get any airplay. However, where's the harm in trying? At the least it will be great experience for her. When the time comes to press palms and show her stuff she'll be comfortable at it. Besides, this is a locally owned conglomerate. Who knows?

Makes me wonder about my career and what I want to do next. The "Art Rehab" I'm doing is going slower than I had anticipated (more on that later). The girls have kept me so busy this summer. It's only going to get worse from here on. Every project of mine has taken a severe hit. All major decisions have been made just in time for school to start on Monday. Home schooling for the younger girls. Charter school for my oldest. Plus podcasts, performances, gigs, etc. Sometimes, I feel it's a little unfair. I do have my own dreams and aspirations. But would I really put those dreams before my kids? No.

She's back now. Neither party was in so we'll have to come back later. She's beaming, filled with self-confidence even though our mission was a bust. I couldn't love her any more than I already do.

technorati tags:radio, country_music, country, music, self-promotion, self-sacrifice, school

Wrestling with the Night Crusher

Every have one of those days where you have too much to get done in too little time? What? Everyday is like that you say?

What I find frustrating during some of those days is how my AD/HD mind freezes. So much to juggle. So much to prioritize. My mind becomes overwhelmed with paralysis. I'll work my way through it. I always do. But I wish that it wasn't such an effort to prioritize. The problem is emotion. I'm simply flooded with feelings when I should be coldly arranging events in order. Each event I need to organize has its own set of pressures, anxieties, and fears that washes over me. Distracts me. It's all so overwhelming on days like today.

I didn't sleep well, which I believe is the real culprit here today. I had another episode of sleep paralysis last night. Haven't experienced that in a while. I know what it is now - simply part of my brain awaking while the other parts are still asleep. Last night I was aware when my vision turned on. I was blind while I shouted out to my wife. I've found I need her to shake me while talking to me during an episode to help me fully wake up. The paralysis used to last so much longer when I was single. No, I wasn't dreaming. As I regained the ability to move I began to look around and for a moment there was only blackness then suddenly there was the room illuminated by the hall nightlight. I've awoken from lucid and semi-lucid dreams enough times to know what it feels like to open my eyes while awaking. This was as if vision was flicked on in the back of my brain. And it was. I had opened my eyes before the part of my brain that perceives sight had rubbed sleep out of its own eyes.

At any rate, it has been decades since I feared the night crusher and so I just went back to bed. But today is going to be hard. So much to do. So little brain to do it with.

I was busy again with kids on Thursday so my scheduled Splintered Mind column didn't happen again, but I needed to write publicly. Jotting about this in my journal wasn't enough. So now that I fully understand why I'm having such a hard time thinking I believe I can more readily tackle today's To Do list. I don't want another day to slip by being busy without getting time for myself again.

I will draw. I will finish Sneakers. And somehow I'll also exercise, clean the house, take my daughters to the movies like I promised, and prepare for guests tonight.

Yeah, right. Maybe I should just go back to sleep.

technorati tags:sleep, paralysis, night, crusher, add, ad/hd, adhd, fog

Don't You Hate That Feeling?

I just remembered that I promised somebody I'd blog about a certain topic for them and I completely forgot who I promised and what I promised to write about! I think it's been a few weeks, too. How embarrassing. It has to do with spouses I think. And depression. Anybody have any ideas?

hooboy...I wish I had focus instead of fog.

Solving Life's Problems with Creative Typing

Thanks to the exodus this summer of the group of readers I picked up during my heady Blogs of Note days I've been contemplating my blog, The Splintered Mind, and wondering what I'll do with it. You see, my goal was never to become rich and famous through my blog. I just wanted to learn how to talk about my disabilities with a cheeky sense of humor, hone my writing skills, and connect with people. I've accomplished all those goals but the blog feels lacking of late. The problem I'm having is that my disabilities are getting in the way of a regular publishing schedule. Since my readers are an absentminded bunch of loons (unlike me, of course), they've gotten out of the habit of visiting me. That's my theory anyway.

What's that you say? Maybe they just don't like reading me anymore? Well, I am an annoying little git. "You can do it!" "Don't let your lame brain get you down!" "AD/HD is a positive thing! Just tell yourself that the next time you get fired for making a stupid mistake!" "Depression is simply a state of mind." "Don't worry! It's all in your head!" "Why is the milk in the cupboard?"

Truth is, maybe I'm missing something vital in my writing that used to connect with people. Maybe I'm too serious. Maybe my works don't inspire comments anymore. You see, I gauge how successful a column is by how many comments it attracts. The Splintered Mind still garners comments, albeit in reduced numbers, but my other blogs don't. Like this one. And my LiveJournal blog.

So it's time for a change. I don't even like LiveJournal. If I'm going to blather on and on about my writing goals, I might as well do it here on my own website. Nobody's reading what I'm writing over there anyway. I lack the desire to run around commenting on people's LJ pages hoping to gather friends that will post vacuous but supportive comments on my dribblings. Besides, I am NOT distracted is a distraction and I have goals to meet.

So from now on The Absentminded Bookshelf will become my writer's and artist's journal. I can express things here that I wouldn't put on The Splintered Mind. Things like: This has been a hard week. The ticking has been terrible. I'm stuttering like Max Headroom. My hands are doing a great curly fries imitation. My sleep is upside down again. I'm depressed. I'm feeling urgency to home school my children but riddled with self-doubt. And I want to buy a new Mac. Steve, why do you tempt me so?

I'll still do the odd book review or two, but I'll also post my art here and wax eloquent about my lofty writing goals. And just maybe, while I'm commenting on my journey towards success, I will find that missing element that made my other blog so interesting and put it back in again.

technorati tags:Goals, Disabilities, Depression, Coping_Strategies, Blogs, Blogging