Last Post. New Home.

I have decided to merge this blog's contents with my other blog, The Splintered Mind. I found they intersected too much to justify being two different blogs. This means that I've opened up the format of TSM a bit to include musings, book reviews, and my art and writing progress. If you are not currently subscribed to TSM then I invite you to do so now. I trust you'll enjoy the same content and more over there as you have enjoyed here at the Absentiminded Bookshelf. Thanks for reading.

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Coolest fish ever is the hottest but you'll just have to trust us on this one.

Coolest fish ever is the hottest - fish that skips through lava!

Interesting discovery, but I'm a little irritated with these science articles big on text and short on visuals. To describe video as part of the discovery and not offer video in a link or an estimated time and place when we can see the video for ourselves is feeble reporting, IMO. Those lumps of fleshy turds do nothing for the imagination. This reminds me of that amazing video of the giant squid the Japanese supposedly took earlier this year. Every article I read at the time talked about how stunning the video was to watch, but nobody had the actual video to share, nor was there any interest by those reporting it to find out when the video would be available. And what about the researchers? Don't any of these scientists have web sites? Don't they have younger staff familiar with flickr, youtube, etc? ;) It's a good thing the Loch Ness Monster hasn't been photographed during this media-phobic, news snippet trend. I can see the article now...

SCOTTISH SCIENTISTS FINALLY PHOTOGRAPH NESSIE...

...and were able to capture the elusive beast on High Definition 3D film.

"Yeah, these photographs are amazing," said leading cryptozoologist, Dr. Charles Fort. "To think we finally hold in our hands photographic evidence of the Loch Ness Monster. I can't believe the detail. Such fascinating anatomy, too. We were really surprised at how colorful she was. Too bad we can't show the photos, but our press department has prepared some really riveting desciptions for you."

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Online Research for My Novel Was Fun This Morning

Just a quick entry today.

I was doing research on Eastern Coyotes in the Cape Cod region this morning and came across a great online resource by Dr. Jonathan Way. Besides liking how he spelled his name (which is how I spell a character of mine's name) his site was filled with photos of coyotes in their "natural" habitat. I became puzzled and frustrated, however, when I discovered his site hadn't been updated in over a year. Then I discovered the reason. According to this entry in July 2005, hunters were using his research information to stake out his trap sites so they could bag coyotes. Unbelievable.

I've known a few people who look forward to deer hunting season because they stock up on meat for their family, but people don't eat coyotes. So killing one would be just for the thrill of it. Frankly, I don't see the challenge. Anybody who wants to wait by a humane trap to shoot an approaching animal has something wrong with him.

Also of interest was the news that fisher cats were back in Cape Cod. Fisher cats are a member of the weasel family. They're a LOT larger than cats, too. Odd name. This is a recent development. I don't even recall them being mentioned while I lived there during the 1980's.

Of particular note is that any critter reintroducing itself to Cape Cod needs to swim across the canal, something I wouldn't want to try unless I was highly motivated. Looking at the opposite shore in my mind I don't envision anything appetizing there, so something else must have driven coyote and fisher cats to cross all that cold water. Perhaps they were on vacation? All in all, however, this was a fruitful morning. I just need information on bobcats and ravens and the wildlife research for my novel will be complete...

An Epiphany So Big It's An Elepiphanty!

For some time I have referred to an epiphany I had last Spring. It was as transformative to my thought processes as I could have prayed for, and although I have not been free to implement the changes as rapidly as I would have liked, I still have steadily worked to alter my life in the new direction. It was such a stunning realization that I labeled it an "Elepiphanty". I assure you that it is far better than that tortured pun.

I had hoped to write about the epiphany here in this blog, but I never seemed to find the time to commit to a long writing session. Truth be told, I was bored thinking about re-contemplating my navel after I had already done so already. I was more interested in new ideas and new epiphanies than explaining anew old ones. This doesn't mean I have put the epiphany out of mind. I refer to it all the time to help keep myself on track. You see, I recorded it in my journal.

I realize this might seem odd to some people, but I am compelled to write personally as well as publicly. One would think two or three blogs would be enough, but my appetite for expression is not hedged in the slightest. I have volumes of personal journals that I have recorded since I was just days before turning twelve. And now I record every few days my thoughts and musings in a beautifully crisp and classy Moleskine lined notebook. I no longer write about Star Wars, comic books, my school days, or troubled or unrequited loves. I write in metaphor, wax eloquent (or attempt to do so at least), analyze myself, chart personal progress, and reread my entries to stay the course.

So when I thought about posting my epiphany in a blog I wasn't highly motivated. I had already expressed those thoughts, but as I was rereading the epiphany the other day it occurred to me that I could just type my journal entry here instead. This would give some of you a peek into the inner workings of my mind while also saving me time. Maybe it would inspire some of you who struggle with disabilities similar to mine (all four of you who read this blog). I'll include the sketches I wrote about to give this epiphany visual as well as verbal impact.

The new awareness began after I followed a successful drawing (the one up top on the left) with an awkward, stilted drawing three days later (the one just above on the right). I was so horrified with the results, and it was so hard to get the drawing to be at that level of competence, that I stopped drawing completely. Then I heard a podcast about master guitar player, Pat Martino, and how he had to reteach himself to play the guitar after surgery for a brain aneurism. Suddenly, something clicked in my mind and I finally understood my struggles in a new light...

25 April 2006

Tuesday - Entry 10: Sometimes my life is a tempest in a teapot - so much drama. So much energy. All that excitement with no results. I still struggle with this and that. I still stare wide awake into the night. I still struggle to find myself. I still need focus. And yet I am not the same man. I am much improved.

I am pleased my weekly column, the Splintered Mind, keeps my interest. I am glad to draw again. My backstory work on my novel moves along nicely...

I believe I have finally discovered why my life is still so chaotic. As you may know, I have AD/HD, clinical depression, and Chronic Motor Tic Disorder, to name a few things that trouble me. When my depression acted up in the past I would lose months of my life. I never seemed to stay on the same path - somehow I would wander off in a new direction. Over time I learned to control my depression to the point where I would only lose hours, but still I could end up lost and off track.

Now that I am beginning to identify the tic disorder as a symptom of a larger problem I am beginning to see the inconsistency I complained of in the past as the largest obstacle I need to overcome.

When I come out of a period of ticking I am changed. I first began to notice it last month in my art. I had always attributed my rocky art skills to a lack of practice, and to a degree it was true. However, I suspect these episodes have more in common with aneurisms and seizures than laziness. I was drawing so well two weeks ago. Then I entered a long ticking period and came out of it months out of practice, not weeks. I've not only unlearned the skills and confidence I had gained prior to the episode, but there is a wall in my mind resisting my attempts to reclaim lost time. This has been going on for fourteen years and I was oblivious. Instead, I blamed this on AD/HD and my low tolerance for frustration. After all, my AD/HD was pretty severe.

The problem is I pinpointed how I adversely reacted to the problem, but I failed to pinpoint the actual cause.

Now sleep comes to me quickly and careless errors follow. I will explore this latter. I know I am onto something.


26 April 2006

Wensday - Entry 11: To test this new theory I am going to redraw the lilies I failed at nine days ago first thing tomorrow. I am not going to avoid drawing any further. The experience of failure is so excruciating for me I stop drawing. Here I did it again. Nine days. Oh, I timidly sketched, expecting failure and receiving it. Still I repeat the patterns.

Tomorrow I will draw knowing I have a neurological wall to break through. I don't understand it fully, but I am beginning to give a name to my enemy. Just as I did with Depression, I am beginning to see the marks of the beast as an external enemy and not as a failure within myself. Tomorrow I draw thinking not "What is wrong with me? Why am I such a loser?" No, instead I will think "OK, Easter Lily. We meet again. I'm not going to let you and my neurological disability kick me around anymore. I _know_ I can draw. I know the skill is in there and I'm going to pull it out kicking and clutching and slap it down on the blank page."

I have never fully understood the effect my tic episodes had on my art skills. I always blamed it on personal failure, or AD/HD and my terminal boredom, or a lack of character to see the skill through the dull parts. I never realized that my neurological disability was the invisible barrier. It is too soon to proclaim victory. My theory is untested, but I relish the battle. I pray I won't tic so I can test my mettle. Can positive thinking make the difference here, too?


27 April 2006

Thursday - Entry 12: First experiment was a success! My skill is still a touch behind my usual competence but my drawing today was much better than before. Psyching myself up to succeed despite the barriers made a large difference. My drawing still feels crude but because I drew with full knowledge of my neurological wall I did not get discouraged when I crashed into it - even with tool troubles. Taking success in the small victories was how I clawed out of my depression from before. I'll claw my way out of neurological mediocrity as well.

Attitude made a difference. For some reason, the ticking episodes affect the part of my mind that controls art, but I can compensate, I believe, if I apply myself and steel myself up for the challenge. The differences may be minute to somebody else's eye, but for me the difficulty or ease of the drawing process was as large a part of the problem as the competency of the image. In the past the two steps forward/one step back process has been depression inducing, usually ending up with me not drawing for long periods of time. It was simply too painful to be so subpar below what I knew I was capable of in my mind's eye. However, given the choice between never drawing again, being lousy at drawing for the rest of my life, or figuring out a way to improve, I'll opt for improvement. My hope is that I can raise my base level so that I'm pleased with my art even on a bad day. I will achieve this by reforging new neural pathways through practice and perseverence. My therapist called it "art therapy". As you can see from this sketch from last June, I may be onto something.

I don't know if I expressed my struggle adequately here, but this is a start. I know I'm making progress, and I believe I may lick this problem yet.

Frustration Mingled with Apathy Equals Bona Fide Unhappiness

I stayed up late last night to work out final details on a logo for a client. I've been very excited to work on this assignment. The client, Mindy, is my daughter's former singing instructor. What a busy lady she is. She has a dance studio in her basement with over a hundred students. Has over 30 students for singing instruction, she's involved with local productions, and she just picked up a gig as the Cheetah Girls vocal coach. Somewhere in there she finds time to raise her son. Frankly, I don't know how she does it, but I aimed to find out. That's why this assignment is so important to me. I want a peek into her busy world to see how she juggles it all.

The problem is that Home Schooling has taken a greater toll on my time than I had anticipated. I've also had bout after bout with viruses. I'm so blasted sick all the time. And nevermind all the downtime because of my tic disorder. These events have drawn out this assignment longer than I feel comfortable with. So I'm feeling down about that, and down about not hooking up with her today because her schedule changed, even though she's not worried about it. Not only that, but there is a part of me that believes that even if Mindy were to share her secrets of productivity with me I would not be able to utilize them.

So there is genuine disappointment, but there is also the cursed Depression with apathy and self-doubt creeping in at the corners. The Depression is really irritating me. I want to be in control of me, not my chemical imbalance. I am so tired of time wasted in sadness. So I push it off again and  again. Really, what choice do I have? If I want to succeed I must conquer my greatest enemy: myself. 

Typing Along

If you judged my progress from my NaNoWriMo widget on The Splintered Mind you'd think I wasn't making much progress. The truth is, however, that much of my work has been on backstory and background details. I jot notes in my Moleskine, add details to my book project, and add a bit here and there to the first chapter.

You see, I discovered I didn't know my story as well as I thought I did. I found the tiniest of holes in my knowledge. Two of them, actually. One I've filled, the other is still swallowing dumptrucks and 18 wheelers. Once I figure that part out I'm sure it'll be easy sailing until I find the next pot hole in my world.

In the meantime, I'm not worried about it, and neither should you. Enjoy this interesting link from Italy I found to my ADHD blog. Not a big deal, but nifty nonetheless because I am Italian. The translation is iffy, but apparently he finds I give shining personal reflections without the pretentious air of Academia.  Which might mean that I'm a loud, uneducated boor. Who knows? He might be right!

How Do I Know When I am Out of It?

I tried to open my front door with my car's remote fob today. I actually didn't realize anything was amiss with what I was doing until I heard the car unlock behind me. At least I had a good laugh.

Some Thoughts on November

I don't want to go into what a harrowing day was to-day. I really have other things to write. Not here, but in my novel.

Let's just say that my girls have kept me busy. So busy that my mother worried if something had happened to us because we were gone so long. B was on a movie set all day as an extra. C had dance classes to teach, L had dance lessons to receive, and A just ran around like the five year old whirlwind she is. Of course, I was their chauffeur driving from Bountiful to Draper to Midvale and back. They've been so busy these past two days that not one of them has thought to ask me how my novel is coming. Not even my wife. She's busy working hard — two jobs — and training for a test with the Post Office this Saturday. I don't want you to think that I'm complaining, but it is a bit disheartening. My decision to work on NaNoWriMo was not made lightly. You see, I have these big meetings with my family so we can all be aware of each other's big projects and plans and the only thing that ends up happening in the end is that I'm better organized to help them reach their goals.

How do you fulltime mothers do it? I have almost no time for my self. In fact, in order to have time I have to shave off sleep. On top of home schooling I may have to make greater sacrifices if I want to reach that 50,000 word goal. Tomorrow I have my writing goals, but also I need to finish my work on the second stage of my client's logo. Writing will have to take a back seat again. I guess I'm just frustrated. It's probably my fault. I keep thinking I'm a single guy with plenty of time to kill. I wish I could go back in time, walk up to myself, and give myself a great, big belt in the eye. What a dope I was wasting all that time...

Dance Like Nobody's Watching

Dance like nobody's watching
Originally uploaded by Darkstream.

Tonight's theme was discovered on a wall at my daughters' dance studio in Bountiful, Utah.

This whole "failure" thing is really bugging me. Just who is going to disapprove of what I write or draw? What am I so afraid of?

I can answer that.

I am afraid of my own disappointment. I am my harshest critic, and consequently, I am my own worst stumbling block. Although I am making strides pushing on with my life without listening to the Wormtongue of my own mind, I do need the occasional reminder that self-doubt is my worst enemy and should be ignored whenever possible.

Terror! I Have Lost My Brain!

I discovered to my horror last night as I drifted off to bed that I had misplaced my PDA. I am amazed that I was able to let myself sleep after that, but it did take some doing. But now that a new day has cast its light on my tragedy panic is starting to settle in.

I am completely lost without my PDA.

All my backups are for naught. Shamefully, I have not swapped out memory cards in a few weeks so if I were to buy a new one I would be woefully out of date. And I just set up a new computer so iCal isn't set up yet.

ARGH!

We've been ripping the house apart looking for it, but I suspect it has gone walkabout OUTSIDE the home. I cannot hear its incessant beeping at all. This is a very bad sign.

My daughter did find my Navajo Indian ring from my honeymoon. I didn't even realize it was missing. But no PDA. (-_-);

UPDATE: 10/11/06 Ah, I have been reunited with my brain. I can't emphasize enough how uncomfortable it is to walk around without one. I was just about to resort to scrawling To Dos in ink all over my arms when my seven year old discovered my brain tucked neatly away in the back seat of the minivan. Since I don't ever go back there I can only assume that when my thoughts wandered the other day they wandered off as well.